I like most Tongan traditions. One of the really cool things about Tonga is how well its culture and traditions have been preserved. But there is one tradition I don’t like and that’s the way Tongans say their final goodbyes. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the importance of a funeral, either in Tonga or in the USA. I know how important it is for the friends and family to say good-bye to those they love but I also think it isn’t necessary for a family to spend one’s life savings to pay its final respects.

In Tonga, there is nothing modest or inexpensive about a funeral, which in Tongan is called a “putu”. A Tongan family feels enormous cultural pressure to throw a huge expensive funeral every time someone dies.

A Tongan funeral is not just a funeral ceremony. The family is expected to throw a big feast and feed everyone who shows up. While it is also customary for people to bring a gift to a funeral, the family responds by giving gifts to everyone who comes. The family of a loved one never comes out ahead. A typical putu can cost more than most Tongans make in a year.

At the bank where I work, we have people come in immediately after a loved one has died seeking to take out a loan to pay for the funeral. In some cases, a family will go in debt for years just to pay for the funeral. Many turn to their relatives overseas to cough up the money so they can have a “great” funeral for their loved one.

Some families even hire bands to play at the funeral and to march with the body from the house to the cemetery.

This funeral procession passed in front of my house on a Saturday at 9am and then returned five hours later. (Video Clip)

I was out visiting bank clients one day when we happened to drive by a funeral. One of the bank’s employees asked me if I was hungry. I knew he meant that he wanted to stop and eat at the funeral. I asked him if he knew the person who died or the family. He said no, but it was okay, because at a funeral, you feed everyone who shows up. I told him I wasn’t hungry and suggested we go back to the bank. I didn’t feel right about sitting down and taking free food from someone who just had a relative die.

It seems to me the money spent on a funeral would be much better spent paying for the education of a family member than on a lavish feast and gifts.

A Tongan putu is not a quick event and can last for more than 24 hours. People will take an entire day off of from work to attend the putu. This means you might go to the grocery store and find it closed because the staff is attending a funeral that day.

There are many other ways that the family responds when someone dies. Depending on how close you are to the deceased it will determine how long you will wear black and the huge funeral mats you see everyone wearing.

Women at a Tongan Funeral

It’s also traditional for a woman’s hair to be cut in memory of their loved one. A higher ranking woman in the house will tell a less ranking woman to cut her hair. The hair is usually woven into a belt that can be worn to hold up one of the large funeral mats.

A Tongan GraveNow in all fairness, putting on a putu is a work of art. There are no funeral homes here so all of the work from preparing and dressing the body to the digging of the grave is done by friends and family. The preparations are lavish with many people helping to cook the food and set up tables so everyone has a place to eat. During the day, the men sit and drink kava while the women will sing. The kava drinking and singing will often last for days from the time the person dies until they are finally put into a grave decorated with quilts, flowers and plants.

When you attend a funeral it all goes like clockwork and it’s truly amazing to see the end result of so much work.

One more interesting topic about death in Tonga. If you ask a Tongan why someone died, they will usually say they were sick or they were old. There are no autopsies and the cause of death is rarely known.